My Dilemma
Heyyooo. Hi! It's me! EDWARDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
Note to self: IT"S TOO EARLY TO DRINK IN THE DAY!
YES! I KNOW! I've been rejected by LASALLE for entry into the acting course. It's not the end of the world. I just gotta do something else. There's so much to choose from, even with my shit diploma. Acting is not my only interest. I have plenty of interest. If I choose to do acting, a career that is so unpredictable and not going to go your way like 99.9% of then time, why am I so afraid of making the next step as to what to do next, if whatever I do will have a higher chance of getting employment and shit?
It's all very overwhelming, all happening very fast. The moment I received my letter of utter failure, I began browsing through the courses that I would like to take. That's a pretty straight forward process as I knew what I wanna do. But it daunts on me that I need to make a decision fast, like in 2-3 days, and quick + good decision making has never been my strong suit. Is the school important? Do employers really look at where you came from rather than your results? What if I choose a course, did fucking amazing and nobody wants to hire me?
It's all on me. This is my life. I would love to hear some input from anyone but it all comes down to me. My ultimate dream is slowly but surely fading away with every wrong decision throughout my life. Why is it so hard for me? I'm a reasonable guy, with fairly attainable goals, and outlook on life has always been positive. I don't understand. All I do is finding temporary solace. Run, drink. They don't even mix well together. Putting on a front... I can't even do that anymore. I dread staying at home. I need to go out and do things. I need to work! I need to sort out my future!
Lately, I realized I don't give a shit about lots of stuff anymore. I find myself having so much time as I've lost interest in pretty much everything. I used to be able to get engrossed in movies , TV shows and books. But now my attention span toward these things are very limited. Then, my mind will wonder aimlessly to fill time. I'm not sure exactly what made me this way. All I know is that ever since my heart hold no one dear, and the thought that I may not end up with a being that loves me, I just couldn't find any motivation to carry on. It's not that suicide is on my agenda. I just don't know why I exist anymore.
What is my purpose? Why am I here? Going back to questioning myself the reason of my existence is not something that is very sophisticated, though it seems to be. As far as I'd like to share this with someone else, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm never one to easily disclose my deepest thoughts to anyone. Even if there's rare circimstances, it's for them to feel good about themselves. I don't want to burden anyone. There's no self pity here. It's just me putting my thoughts into words to gain affirmation for myself or something.
This no longer makes me feel any better or will change the way I look at things. It's a clearer picture, taking a look at myself. Sleep no longer heals my agony. Music no longer eases like they used to. Emotions are not felt as strongly as before. It's like I'm shutting out the world, only in my own presence. Is this just a phase? Most likely it is. How long is it going to take this time? Is that what everybody feels at certain point of their lives? It's daunting to think when a part of what fuels you is gone, everything falls out of place. Is it because this is the only element I need to power up? Can't believe I am such a messed up individual.
Note to self: IT"S TOO EARLY TO DRINK IN THE DAY!
YES! I KNOW! I've been rejected by LASALLE for entry into the acting course. It's not the end of the world. I just gotta do something else. There's so much to choose from, even with my shit diploma. Acting is not my only interest. I have plenty of interest. If I choose to do acting, a career that is so unpredictable and not going to go your way like 99.9% of then time, why am I so afraid of making the next step as to what to do next, if whatever I do will have a higher chance of getting employment and shit?
It's all very overwhelming, all happening very fast. The moment I received my letter of utter failure, I began browsing through the courses that I would like to take. That's a pretty straight forward process as I knew what I wanna do. But it daunts on me that I need to make a decision fast, like in 2-3 days, and quick + good decision making has never been my strong suit. Is the school important? Do employers really look at where you came from rather than your results? What if I choose a course, did fucking amazing and nobody wants to hire me?
It's all on me. This is my life. I would love to hear some input from anyone but it all comes down to me. My ultimate dream is slowly but surely fading away with every wrong decision throughout my life. Why is it so hard for me? I'm a reasonable guy, with fairly attainable goals, and outlook on life has always been positive. I don't understand. All I do is finding temporary solace. Run, drink. They don't even mix well together. Putting on a front... I can't even do that anymore. I dread staying at home. I need to go out and do things. I need to work! I need to sort out my future!
Lately, I realized I don't give a shit about lots of stuff anymore. I find myself having so much time as I've lost interest in pretty much everything. I used to be able to get engrossed in movies , TV shows and books. But now my attention span toward these things are very limited. Then, my mind will wonder aimlessly to fill time. I'm not sure exactly what made me this way. All I know is that ever since my heart hold no one dear, and the thought that I may not end up with a being that loves me, I just couldn't find any motivation to carry on. It's not that suicide is on my agenda. I just don't know why I exist anymore.
What is my purpose? Why am I here? Going back to questioning myself the reason of my existence is not something that is very sophisticated, though it seems to be. As far as I'd like to share this with someone else, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm never one to easily disclose my deepest thoughts to anyone. Even if there's rare circimstances, it's for them to feel good about themselves. I don't want to burden anyone. There's no self pity here. It's just me putting my thoughts into words to gain affirmation for myself or something.
This no longer makes me feel any better or will change the way I look at things. It's a clearer picture, taking a look at myself. Sleep no longer heals my agony. Music no longer eases like they used to. Emotions are not felt as strongly as before. It's like I'm shutting out the world, only in my own presence. Is this just a phase? Most likely it is. How long is it going to take this time? Is that what everybody feels at certain point of their lives? It's daunting to think when a part of what fuels you is gone, everything falls out of place. Is it because this is the only element I need to power up? Can't believe I am such a messed up individual.
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